77. Scorned (2013)

February 5, 2014

It is still early in the month, but I think it is safe to say Scorned could be the worst movie I watch in February. I haven't found any conclusive evidence to support this theory, but I have a feeling Scorned is a partly true, semi-autobiographical piece, since the writer's name was Sadie, and she named the main, scorned character after herself. She probably thought that was pretty clever. From the director of the Leprechaun movies, Rumpelstiltskin, and the awful Triloquist (Mark Jones), comes this worthless piece of trash about a woman (AnnaLynne McCord) who finds out her boyfriend (Billy Zane) is cheating on her and takes matters into her own psychotic hands. Now I know what you are thinking: "The girl from Excision is dating The Phantom? What!?" Don't worry, its just pretend. The chemistry between the two is so non-existent, and the writing so flat and vapid, that it would take a truly painful stretch of the imagination to believe, even for a second, that these people weren't just doing this for a paycheck. I hope they got paid a lot, too. So to start, Zane and McCord go to some house for a romantic getaway, when she finds his cell phone and reads the text messages he sent to her best friend. She ties Zane up and explains to him with stupid detail how she feels about his indiscretion. Then she sends her friend a message from his phone and invites her over for some good times, only to tie her up as well and slowly torture them (sort of). Meanwhile, a stereotypical tattooed convict has escaped from prison. Back to the action at the house - Without putting up any sort of convincing struggle, Zane and the other girl continue being tortured. Occasionally they get away and get caught again, only to get away and get caught once again. Then McCord kills them, and the escapee shows up and she kills him, and she blames everything on the convict, and the police are none the wiser. This movie would have been much better left as a fleeting thought that died shortly thereafter, saving us from the vacuous dribble that was Scorned.

76. Bug (2006)

February 4, 2014

Michael Shannon is one of my favorite actors. I think he just has such a likeable persona that, even when he is playing a bad guy, I can't help but enjoy his character. In Bug, he plays one of the craziest people ever put on film, and his infectious craziness rubs off strong on his new-found love interest, Ashley Judd. Both Shannon and Judd portrayed an intense deterioration from fairly normal people to absolute lunatics over a short period of time. When Shannon starts seeing bugs all over the place that aren't really there, he soon convinces Judd that they are infested. Then the two of them begin developing scars all over their body from picking at the bugs. Eventually, they line their motel room with tinfoil to prevent the bugs from transmitting a signal to the government and alerting them of Shannon's whereabouts. The whole movie was a whirlwind of paranoid delusional chaos, culminating in a gasoline fueled blaze, and leaving the viewer to wonder what was real and what wasn't real, and what really happened.

75. Bunny and the Bull (2009)

February 4, 2014

Years ago I was a pretty big fan of The Mighty Boosh, and I remember wanting to see Bunny and the Bull as it had much of the same cast and crew. For some reason, I never did see it, and eventually forgot about it until I just happened to come across it again the other day. It definitely had a similar flair for imagination as The Mighty Boosh, if not quite as funny. It is about a man who hasn't left his flat in years, and spends most of his time collecting and organizing strange things in boxes all over his place. He ventures into his past in his mind, to a vacation he took with his best friend, Bunny. The two of them traveled all over Europe with some money they won at a horse race, and encountered all sorts of interesting people and places. The greatest thing about this movie was the beautiful makeshift set pieces and props, all made out of random assortments of stuff, such as buildings and bridges made of newspaper, and a room built out of books, among other things. It was a really good movie that lagged in some points, but finished strong. Recommended for fans of the show or anyone who enjoys quirky indie comedies.

74. The Godsend (1980)

February 4, 2014

The Godsend was god awful. No, I'm just kidding, but it was pretty bad. It's essentially about an evil little girl and the thing is it could have (and has) been done better. For starters, the parents were terrible. They began with five kids and as their adopted daughter, Bonnie, killed off the other four, the parents really didn't seem as concerned as they should have been. I guess they figured they had a few backup kids just in case. Also, the music in the movie took me from wide awake to ready to pass out in no time. The father eventually figured out that Bonnie was the one killing their kids, but he didn't tell anyone. Then when he did, nobody believed him. The mother, after having already lost several children and not showing much emotion, became highly erratic when a man came and refused to leave until the father got home and pushed him out, as the man shouted he'd be back. I've no idea what he was doing there, and he never came back, but I think he may have told them they had to move, because the next scene showed them in a new home. So, mom doesn't really get upset when her kids die, but freaks out if she has to move. Anyway, after seeing first hand that Bonnie was the murderer, still nobody believed the father, and the parents split up. I would strongly suggest you skip this movie and (if you're in the mood to watch some evil children) watch The Omen or Bloody Birthday or one of the many other better choices than The Godsend.

This clip is in Spanish, but you'll get the idea:

73. Here Comes The Devil (2012)

February 3, 2014

Here Comes The Devil was easily one of the coolest horror movies I've seen in a long time. It was in Spanish, with subtitles, so they'll probably remake it soon for Americans who don't like to read. It started with a serial killer who supposedly died on the side of a mountain, but whose spirit lives on. A boy and a girl and their parents are on vacation at a beach when the girl has her first period. They get her to the nearest gas station and the mom helps her get cleaned up when they see a creepy guy watching them. The gas station sits at the bottom of the aforementioned mountain, and when the kids tell their parents they want to play on the mountain, the mom gives them an hour and a half before they have to leave. Several hours go by and the kids never show up. The police get involved and eventually find the kids the next morning. The kids are noticeably different though, and through several tests with doctors and psychologists, it is determined that the kids have been sexually assaulted. The parents go back and look for the creepy guy they saw and eventually find him with the bloody panties he stole, and they exact a brutal revenge. It turns out that something much more sinister is going on, however when strange things start happening at their house involving their children. I feel like I've already said too much, so I encourage you to go check this movie out and see just how awesome it really is.

72. Pirate Radio (aka The Boat That Rocked) (2009)

February 3, 2014

In memory of the recently deceased Philip Seymour Hoffman, my wife and I decided to watch Pirate Radio for the first time. Actually it was because this is one of the three movies directed by Richard Curtis, who also directed two of my favorite "guilty pleasure" movies - About Time, and Love, Actually. Nevertheless, we watched it the day after Hoffman passed away, and as people who know me know I've never really liked Hoffman's acting, but I was pleasantly surprised by his performance in this movie. It certainly helped that it was well written, and the supporting cast included Bill Nighy, Rhys Darby, Rhys Ifans, and the always excellent Nick Frost (Oh, and Ralph Brown who played Danny in Withnail & I). Pirate Radio was a really enjoyable movie, which solidified my opinion that Richard Curtis is an exceptional director. In Britain in the 1960s, the radio was controlled by the government, so groups of people would start up pirate radio stations on boats out in the North Sea. The British government was, of course, opposed to such things existing, so they tried many different ways to make what they were doing illegal, while the radio stations mocked them at every turn. Eventually, the government succeeded in making it illegal, and the stations had to fight for what they believed in while being chased by the police. This was a fun movie that I would recommend to anyone who loves music.

71. The Outing (aka The Lamp) (1987)

February 3, 2014

The Outing is an OK movie, which follows a group of teenagers as they try to spend the night in a spooky old museum. When one of the girls (whose father is the museum's curator) puts on a bracelet that corresponds to an old lamp that she subsequently rubs, bad things start happening in the museum. As is to be expected, people begin dying in some pretty gruesome ways. The creature that came out of the lamp was not a genie, in the traditional sense, but it was a Jinn, a type of demon that causes chaos and destruction. At times, the girl with the bracelet seemed possessed by the Jinn, and other times she didn't without any explanation. As I said, this movie was just OK, but it had a fair share of plot holes that made it occasionally incoherent. I really enjoyed parts of it, however, and I would probably watch it again.

70. The Vagrant (1992)

February 3, 2014

This movie was awesome! Bill Paxton has been in some weird movies, and this was definitely one of his weirdest. The only thing weirder that he has been in that I know of was The Dark Backward (which was also awesome). The Vagrant starts with Paxton looking for a house for him and his girlfriend to move in to. He finds a pretty good deal on a decent house and buys it, but on the first day he starts living there he finds a homeless man in his kitchen. The man leaves and Paxton becomes increasingly paranoid about the vagrant. He puts up a huge fence and motion detectors and all kinds of security, but the homeless man keeps finding a way in. When people around town start dying, Paxton blames the homeless man, but only his best friend believes him, and the cops (Michael Ironside and some other guy) start thinking Paxton is the killer. Through a long, strange, and often hilarious process, Paxton ends up losing his girlfriend, his house, and his job, and becomes the manager at a trailer park. He is well respected there until people there start dying and he sees the homeless guy again. I won't spoil the ending, because it was pretty good. This was Paxton at his most delusional, schizophrenic, paranoid best, and I would suggest it to anyone who wants to see something different. Thanks again to Scream Factory for releasing this one on DVD.

69. Stalled (2013)

February 3, 2014

Another indie zombie flick... As usual, it wasn't necessarily bad, it has just been done over and over and over. This one took place almost entirely in a bathroom. A janitor was working in the women's restroom during an office Christmas party when two girls came in and started talking. He hid and watched the girls, who were wearing only bikinis, as they started kissing. Then one of the girls turned into a zombie and ate the other girl. She tried to get the janitor, but he smashed her head in the toilet. Then several zombies started coming into the bathroom and trying to eat him. I can't remember how, but a live woman got stuck in the stall next to the janitor, and the two started talking. Neither were very interesting, and the zombies kept coming. Making use of what resources he had, the janitor formulated a plan to get his toolbox (which incidentally he stole from his boss, as well as stealing some money and a cell phone), and then he went behind the wall into a crawlspace to get out, but was still surrounded. Eventually he covered himself in toilet paper for some reason and ran through the zombie horde. For some reason that worked, proving zombies can't bite through toilet paper, I guess. Aside from a few gory bits, this movie didn't really have a lot going for it, so I wouldn't honestly recommend it to anyone. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't very interesting.

68. Unholy Rollers (1972)

February 2, 2014

From Vernon Zimmerman, the director of my absolute favorite movie Fade To Black, comes this strange film about an intense rivalry in a roller derby. To be fair, I don't know the first thing about roller derby, so I can't formulate an honest opinion about what was going on in the movie. The problem for me is that after watching the movie, I still don't know anything about it. It looked like there were only two teams that traveled the country to play against each other - the Demons and the Avengers, and they roller-bladed around in circles hitting other players and occasionally scoring points somehow. They also were able to make money through sponsorships, as the main girl went from poor and working in a tuna factory to extremely rich off of the commercials she did thanks to her roller derby fame. That main girl was former Playboy playmate of the year, Claudia Jennings, and she did a decent job as the lead. After she quit her job in the factory, she tried out for the roller derby and was one of the few selected to play. Her hot shot attitude quickly landed her in the number one position on the team, creating some fierce jealousy among her teammates. As time went on, and the fame went more to her head, she began alienating everyone on her team, as well as her managers and even her friends. I think to be able to really enjoy this film, it might help to at least have a little knowledge of the sport to begin with. Not that I didn't like it, but that would have helped me understand it and keep my interest more.