426. Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

November 17, 2014

Dads of the world, let this movie serve as a warning. They've discovered the recipe for disaster. Rent a woodchipper? Check. Help your youngest son buy a Rambo knife from a mail-order catalogue? Check. Have your psychotic sister watch your clearly unstable children while you're away for the weekend? Double check. Picture 'The Goonies'. Now imagine if the kids were murderers. Now get rid of the budget and the crew and any sense of style and throw in a woodchipper and you've got yourself a 'Woodchipper Massacre'! I absolutely loved this movie! It was an all around terrible movie and I loved every frame of it. From the long scenes of cars driving or kids walking to mailboxes, to every single line of dialogue being shouted, 'Woodchipper Massacre' is a masterpiece of epic proportions. After their dad left them in the care of their insane aunt, three kids tried to make the best of their situation, but no matter what they did the aunt just wouldn't let them have any fun. The youngest boy had ordered a knife and when it finally came the aunt tried to take it from him, resulting in her accidental death. Rather than call the police and risk getting in trouble, the kids hatched a plan to shove her body through the woodchipper. Not wanting to damage the equipment by shoving soft body parts through it, they dismembered their aunt and froze her body parts which they could then cleanly feed through the chipper. The kids concocted a seemingly airtight story about how the aunt had received a phone call and then took off leaving the oldest son in charge. They were about to get away with it all too, until their criminally insane cousin dropped by looking to make a quick buck off his dear old mom. Despite the kids' best efforts to remove any trace of their late aunt, they happened to miss her enormous diamond ring lying on the counter. Her son found the ring and figured he could make some money by pawning it. The kids didn't want to leave anything to chance though, so they told him to try to sell the woodchipper. He took a look and decided it was too big to haul but before he could walk away they pushed him in and he became cousin chips. Fortunately there was no gruesome aftermath to clean up, as the woodchipper was apparently able to make things completely disappear. Didn't matter though, because the kids were able to get the yard work and chores all done before dad got home, and they all lived happily ever after. The answer to the question you're thinking: yes, you do need to watch this movie.