November 2014 Recap

Here are my top and bottom films (there were several of both) for the month of November in no particular order:

Top 5:
1. Birdman
2. Life After Beth
3. The Guest
4. The Babadook
5. Woodchipper Massacre
Runner Up: Interstellar, St. Vincent, Things, Automata, Cards of Death, They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore, Lady Stay Dead, American Movie

Bottom 5:
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2. The Purge: Anarchy
3. Only Lovers Left Alive
4. Blood Reservoir
5. 3 Days to Kill
Runner Up: Stretch, Under the Skin, Simon Says, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

450. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

November 30, 2014

Ripping the plot from 'The Amazing Spider-Man', this equally unnecessary franchise reboot was a complete waste of time as well as a really terrible cartoon movie. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to like it, but I had heard a few people say it actually wasn't terrible. So, I guess I expected to be pleasantly surprised, like 'The A-Team' or something like that. Absolutely not. This movie was actually terrible. It was garbage. The turtles looked, sounded, and acted ridiculous. Shredder was basically a guy in a robot suit. April O'Neil (Megan Fox) was a fluff reporter who wanted to be something more and found herself in the thick of things when she stumbled on the nefarious Foot Clan looting a shipping dock and happened to see a Ninja Turtle at work. Nobody believed her and some nerd at work made fun of her for jumping on a trampoline. Turns out the turtles and Splinter were her pets as a child (sort of) and her dad and William Fichtner (the best part of this movie and most movies that he is in) were doing genetic research on them years ago. Fichtner went bad and O'Neill had to save the turtles from a fire so she dropped them in the sewer where they learned how to be humans, basically. They also had Hulk-like strength. Present day Fichtner planned on releasing a disease from the top of his building that only he could cure because he had the antidote from the turtles that he didn't know were alive still. Recommended for five year old's, but no one else.

449. Killing Them Softly (2012)

November 30, 2014

I heard a lot of negativity about this movie, and I never had much interest in seeing it until a good friend of mine told me it was good. I totally agree with him. It wasn't amazing, but it was a very good, solid film. The craziest thing about it was that nobody in the cast was a good guy. There were some semi-likable people but everyone was sleazy. Ray Liotta ran an underground card game with a bunch of mob members and decided to hire people to knock off his own game and steal everyone's money. He got away with it but then ran his mouth and let everyone know. They were surprisingly OK with it and let him go, and he even kept the games going. Some rival mob guys got wind of it and decided to knock off the games again, knowing that Liotta would take the blame. So they did it, and Liotta did take the blame, but the guys were too stupid to keep their mouths shut and ended up getting contracts out on their own heads. Brad Pitt played one of the guys hired to take them out. Richard Jenkins was the mob lawyer. James Gandolfini was the other hired gun. Everybody was a bad guy, and 'Killing Them Softly' was a good movie.

448. Things (1989)

November 30, 2014

Before the closing credits start to roll, a screen comes up that says, "You have just experienced THINGS". That is absolutely the best way to describe watching 'Things'. It is an experience. It doesn't always make sense. In fact, it almost never does. A man approaches a woman wearing a devil-like mask and tells her to have his baby. She takes her clothes off and tells him she already did, then she hands him a bassinet with some kind of creature inside that scratches him. Porn star Amber Lynn does a news report in front of a department store TV display. The man gives his wife some kind of medication to ease her pain after she supposedly had some kind of experiment done to be able to have children. She has those children, but they aren't human, they are things. Hundreds of things that attack everyone inside the house. The doctor shows up to check on the woman. I'm pretty sure he was drunk. The terrible acting and weird dubbing continue. I'd love to get my hands on the soundtrack, because it was pretty great. In fact, everything about this movie was pretty great. You should see it and then you should show it to everyone you know.

447. Locke (2013)

November 29, 2014

If you've ever wondered what it would be like to watch someone driving for an hour and a half, this is your movie. 'Locke' attempts to be as minimalist as possible by having Tom Hardy drive and answer the phone and call people and drive some more for the entire movie. It succeeds at being minimalist, and it also succeeds at being incredibly boring. The story was compelling enough that I watched the whole movie, and I can only imagine that is due to Tom Hardy being a very good actor (although his Irish accent was not believable at all). Hardy plays a construction supervisor on the eve of the biggest concrete pour of his life (although his numbers don't make sense, which makes it seem like he doesn't know anything about concrete) when he gets a phone call from the woman he slept with several months ago saying she is now in labor. He decides to do the right thing and be with her when his child is born, so he drives for a couple hours and the entire movie is his drive. He calls his wife and tells her the bad news and she understandably freaks out. He gets called by his supervisor who fires him for leaving at such a critical point in their operations. He keeps making phone calls. Nothing exciting ever happens. I can't recommend this movie.

446. Chef (2014)

November 29, 2014

A few minutes in, I was more than ready to turn 'Chef' off. Jon Favreau's mile-a-minute talking was reminiscent of a Woody Allen movie and I can't stand Woody Allen. I pushed on though, and I'm glad I did because the movie actually turned out to be pretty good. Favreau played a chef under extreme stress when one of the most revered food critics (Oliver Platt) announced he was going to be dining at his restaurant. Favreau's boss, Dustin Hoffman, didn't want to stray from the menu because people know and love the menu, so Favreau made his usual and the critic panned him for being needy and boring. Favreau took it personal and took to twitter to have Platt come back for some real food, but again Hoffman refused to let Favreau stray from the menu, so Favreau quit. His ex-wife's (Sofia Vergara) ex-husband (Robert Downey Jr.) bought a food truck for him and together with his son and best friend (John Leguizamo) they made food truck history. I'm not that interested in food or food preparation, and this movie builds itself on an unnatural food obsession, but there was enough extra stuff (like the relationship between Favreau and his son) to make me entertained. I suppose I would recommend it, especially to people who really love their food.

445. The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

November 28, 2014

I don't know why I watch these movies. The first Purge movie was awful and this one was just as terrible. Unfathomably stupid, 'The Purge: Anarchy' takes dumb to a new level. To begin with, if you're unfamiliar with the Purge movies, in the near future the Government has set aside 12 hours of one day a year where all crime is legal. Supposedly this gets rid of almost all other crime for the rest of the year. In the first film, a wealthy family's home gets invaded by college kids in plastic masks. The sequel takes place mostly outside during the annual purge. It follows the journey of a handful of people who cross paths by accident. One couple has their car break down while they're driving away and a mom and her daughter get pulled out of their building by people in riot gear. Another man is out on his own, with vengeance on his mind. The vengeance man sees the mom and daughter putting up a fight as the riot gear people try to load them on a truck. On the truck is a man who goes by the name Big Daddy. Vengeance man rescues mom and daughter and while the couple jump in his car to escape a gang of idiots in more masks, the leader of which has a porcelain mask with the word GOD scribbled on the forehead. GOD does a lot of long sideways glances and waves at people in an attempt to appear menacing. At this point, the movie is pretty horrendous, but I press on thinking it can't get any worse. It does. We learn that the riot gear people are government agents who capture people and sell them to purge auctions. Later on in the movie the protagonists get caught and we see a bunch of rich people bid large amounts of money to be able to hunt and kill the captives in a small arena after they finish their ritualistic prayers to the new founding fathers who created the purge. The pretentious rich people are just so unbelievably ridiculous and far-fetched that by this point I was trying not to pay attention because I felt myself actually getting dumber. I still finished it. Vengeance man found a way to get his vengeance, but was too good a person to do it and walked away, only to be tracked down by Big Daddy who was still mad that vengeance man had rescued mom and daughter and taken away his purge kills. Mom and daughter save vengeance man and the purge ends and they take him to the hospital and this stupid movie can finally end.

444. The Dark Half (1993)

November 28, 2014

George Romero directed this suspenseful and impressive thriller, based on the book by Stephen King. 'The Dark Half' takes a look into the mind of a writer who may or may not be going completely mad. Timothy Hutton stars as Thad Beaumont, the writer who writes mostly non-fiction material, but under the pseudonym George Stark he writes a series of trashy novels about crime and other seedy things. After a man threatens to make public the use of the pseudonym and potentially hurt Beaumont's professional career, they decide to come clean and kill off his fictional alter-ego. Stark doesn't take it lying down though, and essentially comes to life, killing anyone who stands in his way. With the help of his wife (Amy Madigan) and the local Sheriff (Michael Rooker), Beaumont has to find a way to kill Stark before Stark can kill him. It is a fascinating movie that is far superior to another similar movie that was adapted from a Stephen King novel - 'Secret Window'. Watch 'The Dark Half'. The special effects aren't great by today's standards, but the suspense is there and the story is great.

443. The Addams Family (1991)

November 27, 2014

'The Addams Family' is the kind of movie that seems to get better each time you watch it. I love this movie! We actually meant to watch 'Addams Family Values', seeing as that one is more Thanksgiving theme, and today is that day, but who cares about Thanksgiving anyway? Plus, I don't really like to watch sequels without first watching their predecessors for a quick refresher. Anyway, for those of you who haven't seen this movie, you really need to. Based on the characters created by Charles Addams, 'The Addams Family' is about a family who celebrates the macabre and morbid side of life on a daily basis. Gomez (Raúl Juliá) and Morticia (Anjelica Huston) are perfect as the lovesick parents of Wednesday (Christina Ricci) and Pugsley (Jimmy Workman). Their lawyer, Tully (Dan Hedaya) owes a lot of money to some loan sharks and decides to take advantage of Gomez' secret fortune. Tully's loan shark bears an uncanny resemblance to Gomez' long lost brother Fester (Christopher Lloyd), so they hatch a plan to make Gomez think that is his brother, who has returned from the Bermuda Triangle with amnesia to rejoin the family. Seeing as Fester is the older brother, he would then become the rightful heir and owner to the Addams family fortune. Fester's doppelganger quickly falls in love with the family, and is torn between his obligations to his mother and his desire to be part of the family. I won't give away anything else, but I will say this is one you need to see. Even if you've already seen it before, go give 'The Addams Family' another watch.

442. Droid (1988)

November 25, 2014

Son of Orion, this movie was incomprehensible! If I didn't know any better, I'd guess that 'Droid' exists because some folks in the 80's had just watched 'Blade Runner' and, armed with a lot of cocaine and no money, decided to make a movie. What really happened is actually even weirder. Someone made an adult movie called 'Cabaret Sin' and then created a heavily censored version which looped several scenes over and over and showed the same images again and again. On top of that, it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. It begins with what is arguably the greatest opening text crawl in cinematic history:

“In the beginning, the Dominants left Earth, leaving behind a depraved, violent society, to be policed by leather clad maniacal androids called REFORMERS. When the theft of a SYSTEM decoder occured, an ELIMINATOR was brought in, a cop they called TAYLOR. No more than a hired assassin,”

It stops there. That's as close as anyone will ever get to figuring this one out. The rest of the movie features TAYLOR trying to get information by hanging out and moping at a strip club called The Pleasure Dome while dancers give strange performances to an even stranger audience. He has an effeminate droid who closely resembles C3-P0 wearing a red hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses, and a wife (maybe) who closely resembles Rachael from 'Blade Runner'. It seems like they had a lot of interesting (and several stolen) ideas but no clue how to tie them together or create anything even resembling a coherent story. I would recommend it to fans of ultra-obscure, sci-fi oddities, but only going in with the knowledge that nothing will ever be adequately explained or fleshed out and you just get what you get.

441. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For (2014)

November 25, 2014

As unnecessary sequels go, this was one of the most pointless. I honestly just couldn't remember what happened in the first movie and couldn't get interested in anything happening in this one. Taking place nine years after the first movie, this film tried to pick up where the other left off, but just couldn't muster the same energy or uniqueness. There were familiar faces including Jessica Alba, Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, etc. as well as some replacements (after the untimely deaths of Brittany Murphy and Michael Clarke Duncan). Rourke reprised his role as Marv, a tough guy with a heart of gold who looked after Alba, the stripper with a heart of gold. Josh Brolin replaced Clive Owen as Dwight, a guy who fell in love with the wrong woman (Eva Green) when the right woman (Rosario Dawson) was there for him all along. Powers Boothe also returned as the corrupt and evil senator, whose second son, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, a gifted gambler, learned the hard way not to beat his dad at cards. The style was kind of cool, but several years too late. It was a bit disjointed and, most of all, just plain unnecessary.

440. Voodoo Black Exorcist (1974)

November 24, 2014

A woman in confusing blackface and a man flirt in the ocean and then wash up on a beach where another man is waiting for them and starts to attack the man in the water. The man who was on the beach falls on his own knife and dies. Then an occult/voodoo ritual happens on the beach resulting in the woman being decapitated and the man being stabbed and put in a sarcophagus. Then a spaceship takes off to start the credits. A thousand years later the sarcophagus winds up on a cruise ship where rich, gaudy yuppies read tarot cards and enjoy watching fire eating belly dancers. Suddenly the sarcophagus opens and our man steps out, alive as you and I. He starts to kill the ships' crew for some reason (with repeated flashbacks to that fateful night, one thousand years ago), until he sees a beautiful woman - the same woman as before, sans blackface - and turns into a petrified mummy creature. Later, the yuppies open the sarcophagus, see the mummy, and talk about how valuable the jewelry is inside. They leave it open and a man tries to steal the jewelry, only to become the mummy's slave. The mummy makes his presence and condition known to a doctor who knows a whole lot about these things. A cop shows up and questions the doctor. But why? The mummy explains to the woman that the reason he speaks such good English is because of the time he spent in museums in his casket listening to people. Makes sense. The mummy attacks a woman in her bathroom as the cameraman films himself in the mirror. It's perfect. The doctor puts the sarcophagus on display with the mummy inside and chains wrapped around the outside. He leaves the mummy's slave (who never talks and has no apparent relationship to the doctor) in charge of watching the mummy while he does something else. But why? Meanwhile the cop has a security guard watch the tapes to make sure nothing untoward happens. He has a feeling about something. The slave takes bolt cutters and breaks the chains on the sarcophagus, effectively freeing the mummy from his claustrophobic confines. The agile mummy runs and fights and takes bullets. Then he finds his woman and carries her to his cave where a search party plans to capture and destroy him. In an insanely abrupt ending, one guy with a flamethrower gets the job done by torching the mummy and the woman. While they're still burning, some parchment shows up covered with writing in another language. What does it say? No one will ever know. What you have just read was a play by play of 'Voodoo Black Exorcist' as I saw it. If you're interested in seeing it, Mill Creek Entertainment has released it on DVD as part of a 50 Drive-In movie pack, complete with their burned in logo on the bottom right corner of the screen every few minutes. Did I like this movie? Yes, maybe. Not enough to watch it again. Watch the whole movie here:

439. Nightcrawler (2014)

November 24, 2014

'Nightcrawler' was a pretty good film with a sincerely creepy performance by Jake Gyllenhaal. After witnessing an accident and seeing a camera crew led by Bill Paxton arriving on scene to film the gory details to sell to the highest bidding TV news station, petty thief Gyllenhaal decided that "nightcrawling" would be his new calling. The fact that he had absolutely no empathy for anyone and a grueling and underhanded work ethic made his new career choice ideal for him. He learned fast and forced his way into the business, occasionally even altering crime scenes to get the best picture. Destined to be the best and with no remorse for his actions, Gyllenhaal became more and more ambitious as the film went on, ultimately resulting in the deaths of several innocent people because of his recklessness. Gyllenhaal's disturbing and relentless intensity is what drives this movie, makes him the kind of person you hope you'll never meet, and keeps you thinking about it long after it is over. I would recommend it with caution because it will leave you feeling dirty afterwards.

438. Interstellar (2014)

November 23, 2014

The first half hour of 'Interstellar' is about as perfect as a movie can be. It was at early Spielberg levels of good. It drifted a little after that, but was never bad. The ending was pretty solid too. Although the movie was extremely long, it never felt too tedious, but it did occasionally feel predictable and convenient. Also, I didn't really think of it at the time, but after watching it and discussing it with a friend, I realized the worst part of the movie was Jessica Chastain (who is normally a fantastic actress). She seemed like she was acting in a different movie that was made for the Lifetime network or something. That isn't to say I didn't like the movie, however. Quite the opposite - I thought it was excellent. Anyway, the movie was set in a future where climate change and other catastrophes had caused the planet to be virtually uninhabitable, and a handful of scientists working for what was left of NASA had been coming up with a way to sustain life on another planet. Coincidentally, they found a wormhole near Saturn that allowed them to travel to another galaxy where some of the planets appeared to be hospitable. The scientists sent a handful of astronauts out to visit the other planets with two possible outcomes - either they come back and pick up as many people as they can, or they repopulate using test-tube babies to keep the species going. The mission seemed futile as several things went wrong, but due to quantum mechanics and possibly extraterrestrial forces, they persevered. I highly recommend it, as it was one of the better movies of the year. It had a few flaws, but overall it was fantastic.

437. St. Vincent (2014)

November 22, 2014

I read a review that referred to 'St. Vincent' as Gran Torino - the Diabetic Years, and that alone made me want to see it. While hilarious, I don't really agree with the comparison, and I would say it was more of a cross between 'About A Boy', 'Dennis the Menace', and 'Bad Grandpa'. None of that matters though, because 'St. Vincent' stands on its own as a very entertaining film about a crotchety old man (Bill Murray) in declining health who owes a lot of money to some bad people and by coincidence ends up babysitting the neighbor's kid for extra cash. Prime babysitting material he is not, but he does end up teaching the kid some valuable life lessons and they end up developing an unlikely friendship. There is, of course, a lot more to it than that, but I recommend you go see it for yourself, because it is a fun movie that will leave you feeling good. Murray does a great job, as do Melissa McCarthy and Naomi Watts.

436. Brotherhood of Death (1976)

November 22, 2014

After joining the army and serving a brief but violent tour of Vietnam, three men return home and find themselves in the throes of another war, a race war, between a peaceful community and the ku klux klan after some guys beat up another man and raped his girlfriend. The town's sheriff was the closest thing to being a decent, helpful human being, but even he wasn't enough to put a stop to the sickening klan's evil deeds. Framed for murder, the veterans utilized some of the tricks they learned in the war and put together a plan to clear their names and end the bloodshed. This was a very good movie that tackled a controversial subject and didn't seem as overtly one-sided as some similar movies were. If you get a chance to see it, I would recommend you do (pick up the Code Red blu-ray, or watch the whole movie on YouTube below). Supposedly three of the guys were professional football players back in the day, but I don't know enough about football to know any more about that.

435. The Jitters (1989)

November 21, 2014

Rounding out the John Fasano Tribute night, 'The Jitters' was the third and final movie of our third Bad Movie Night, and man is it a bad movie. It isn't the same kind of bad as 'Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare' or 'Black Roses', since both of those were at least somewhat exciting. This movie made me want to fall asleep several times, and a few people watching actually did. The film takes place in Chinatown, where some weirdly persistent bad guys keep terrorizing a store full of knick knacks for no apparent reason. Then a bunch of Chinese vampires that hop and growl start attacking everyone and they can only be stopped by sticking a piece of paper with some writing to their faces. It had James Hong, and he is always great, but other than that this movie was really lame.
Couldn't find a trailer, so here is the theme song:

434. Black Roses (1988)

November 21, 2014

In the quiet town of Mill Basin, 40 year old high school students eagerly await their favorite band, The Black Roses, who have announced several days of concerts there. Their teacher consistently tries to teach them about Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson, but he can never seem to remember how long class is and the bell gets the better of him every time. The adults in the town don't like the idea of The Black Roses, and they have a town meeting and even show up to the first concert. Fortunately for the kids, the band is hip to what the parents are doing, so they start the show with a little rock ballad number that everyone can appreciate. The parents leave after the first song, believing the music is innocent enough, leaving The Black Roses to drop the act and rock everyone's faces off. The kids all love it, and they keep coming back night after night, becoming steadily less interested in school and getting involved with all sorts of criminal activities. The teacher notices that the students don't care anymore and that their parents are all getting murdered, so he investigates and discovers the band is not what they seem to be and tries to stop them from brainwashing the town's youth. 'Black Roses' was the second film of our third Bad Movie Night, and I have to say there is nothing I don't love about this movie. It is delightfully bad with a great soundtrack and some fun effects and costumes.

433. Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare (1987)

November 21, 2014

I've been wanting to have a John Fasano tribute for quite some time, since he passed away the same day as our first Bad Movie Night, on July 19, 2014. So for our third Bad Movie Night, we watched three John Fasano films, starting with 'Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare' (aka 'The Edge of Hell'). Jon Mikl Thor starred in this hilariously bad rock 'n' roll themed movie that more or less turned into a religious film... But I'll come back to that in a bit. To begin with, at an old farmhouse a young boy watches his parents die when a skeleton/demon comes out of the oven and kills them. Then they must have strapped a camera to a cat and had it run wild around a living room for several minutes, followed by about 10 minutes of a van driving. The van arrives at the old farmhouse and Thor and his band 'The Tritonz' get out and talk about how they're there to record an album. They do the dishes a lot and sometimes they practice their songs (with strobe lights going because that makes practicing and recording way better). There are also several uncomfortable and uninteresting sex scenes that become really confusing if you think about them after the movie ends. Oh, and demons are roaming the house, killing the band members and turning them into more demons! After all that nonsense, we get to the final showdown (this is when things start to feel dangerously religious) where Thor's girlfriend turns into a huge demon and Thor declares he is an angel and he has been expecting the demon, and apparently nothing that had previously happened had actually happened (meaning there were lots of weird sex scenes that Thor had just imagined, or something). Thor thwarts the demon's starfish and sends the demon back to hell in what looked like about $10 worth of fireworks. This movie was worth watching for the creatures alone, but I'm going to recommend it to everyone anyway for no reason whatsoever.

432. Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

November 20, 2014

I've liked a few Jim Jarmusch films. Not all of them, but a few. 'Only Lovers Left Alive' was not one of them. It was a pretentious and boring arthouse film where nothing really ever happened. I don't need to be wowed. I can handle a boring movie every now and again, but I don't feel my time is well spent watching Tilda Swinton walk or read a book or by watching Tom Hiddleston mope about how he doesn't want anyone to listen to his music or know where he lives. That is pretty much what happened for the first third of the movie. Then it became a tourism video of Michigan starring emaciated vampires. Then Mia Wasikowska showed up and was annoying but at least made it a little more interesting. Then she accidentally killed a guy and left. I vaguely remember the rest of the movie because I kept falling asleep. It wasn't very compelling or memorable, and I don't really recommend it. For a good Jarmusch film, check out 'Dead Man'.

431. Teenage Exorcist (1991)

November 19, 2014

Somewhere between 'The Exorcist' and 'Repossessed' lies 'Teenage Exorcist'. Based on a story by Fred Olen Ray, and with a script written by scream queen and star of the film, Brinke Stevens, 'Teenage Exorcist' was actually a fairly decent and funny Exorcist rip-off. Stevens starred as a college grad who just purchased her first home (from Michael Berryman) and quickly learned that the house was home to more than just herself. After she played with a Ouija board and contacted an evil spirit, she became possessed and it was up to her sister and brother-in-law, her stalker-ish boyfriend, and a priest to try to save her soul. Then Eddie Deezen ('Surf II') showed up with pizza and it became some kind of a bizarre version of an Ernest movie. The change was abrupt, but it was still entertaining. The demon looked pretty cool (and cheap), and I had absolutely no clue what it was saying. I'd recommend this movie to fans of low budget, early 90's horror-comedies.

430. The Guest (2014)

November 19, 2014

Adam Wingard ('Home Sick', 'You're Next') directed this amazing movie about a veteran who visits the family of his friend who was killed during war. He quickly becomes everyone's friend as he takes care of all their problems and makes them feel safe, but not everything is quite right with him, and he has absolutely no problems killing people. When one of the family members starts putting together the pieces and figures out that this man is not who he seems to be, it's already too late, and it becomes a fight for survival. This was seriously one of the coolest movies I've seen all year and I will probably be watching it again soon. I actually went into it knowing absolutely nothing, which was a plus. So even though I'm posting the trailer, I suggest watching the movie without seeing the trailer or reading any more about it.

429. Sinner's Blood (1969)

November 17, 2014

I couldn't really get into this one. 'Sinner's Blood' involved some girls who came to visit their strange relatives and then got involved with a violent biker gang on their way through town. It was a drug-fueled mess that was a little too incoherent to be enjoyable. I tried looking up more about the plot so I could shed some light on what I had just watched, and IMDB says, "Bikers terrorize a small town." So apparently they watched the same movie I did and also didn't get it. I don't have much to add to this one, so I'll recommend skipping it since there are so many better movies to watch.

428. Devil's Express (aka Gang Wars) (1976)

November 17, 2014

Martial arts master Luke (Warhawk Tanzania) goes to China with his best friend on a spiritual journey where his friend finds an amulet that awakens an ancient evil demon and unleashes a curse on anyone who gets in its way. The friend takes the amulet back to New York and the demon follows him to get it back. The demon ends up stalking the subways, searching for the amulet and killing people until Luke gets down there and teaches it what for. With some impressive (and some not-so-impressive) fight scenes, 'Devil's Express' was a fun movie that was mostly worth watching because Warhawk Tanzania was the epitome of awesome (and because I just like saying Warhawk Tanzania). Also noteworthy is Brother Theodore ('The 'Burbs') shows up halfway through with a cameo as a street preacher.

427. Teen Lust (aka The Girl Next Door) (1979)

November 17, 2014

Starring Kirsten Baker from 'Friday the 13th Part 2', James Hong's 'Teen Lust - The Girl Next Door' is a decent sex comedy about two girls who recently graduated from high school. They join a volunteer police program and soon become romantically involved with the officers they are assigned to. Their boyfriends are also cheating on them, so you can't really feel too good or bad for anybody. It was an OK movie that didn't have a whole lot of purpose, other than to show off some attractive young girls. It did have a few somewhat funny parts, and I would say it was overall worth watching once. The whole thing is on YouTube, so check it out if you want:

426. Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

November 17, 2014

Dads of the world, let this movie serve as a warning. They've discovered the recipe for disaster. Rent a woodchipper? Check. Help your youngest son buy a Rambo knife from a mail-order catalogue? Check. Have your psychotic sister watch your clearly unstable children while you're away for the weekend? Double check. Picture 'The Goonies'. Now imagine if the kids were murderers. Now get rid of the budget and the crew and any sense of style and throw in a woodchipper and you've got yourself a 'Woodchipper Massacre'! I absolutely loved this movie! It was an all around terrible movie and I loved every frame of it. From the long scenes of cars driving or kids walking to mailboxes, to every single line of dialogue being shouted, 'Woodchipper Massacre' is a masterpiece of epic proportions. After their dad left them in the care of their insane aunt, three kids tried to make the best of their situation, but no matter what they did the aunt just wouldn't let them have any fun. The youngest boy had ordered a knife and when it finally came the aunt tried to take it from him, resulting in her accidental death. Rather than call the police and risk getting in trouble, the kids hatched a plan to shove her body through the woodchipper. Not wanting to damage the equipment by shoving soft body parts through it, they dismembered their aunt and froze her body parts which they could then cleanly feed through the chipper. The kids concocted a seemingly airtight story about how the aunt had received a phone call and then took off leaving the oldest son in charge. They were about to get away with it all too, until their criminally insane cousin dropped by looking to make a quick buck off his dear old mom. Despite the kids' best efforts to remove any trace of their late aunt, they happened to miss her enormous diamond ring lying on the counter. Her son found the ring and figured he could make some money by pawning it. The kids didn't want to leave anything to chance though, so they told him to try to sell the woodchipper. He took a look and decided it was too big to haul but before he could walk away they pushed him in and he became cousin chips. Fortunately there was no gruesome aftermath to clean up, as the woodchipper was apparently able to make things completely disappear. Didn't matter though, because the kids were able to get the yard work and chores all done before dad got home, and they all lived happily ever after. The answer to the question you're thinking: yes, you do need to watch this movie.

425. They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore (1985)

November 17, 2014

Nathan Schiff's deliberately trashy 'They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore' is equal parts disgusting and hilarious. It was inexcusably awful, but they knew that when they made it, so they chose to take the awfulness and have some fun with it. Apparently Schiff made this and several other films (including 'Weasels Rip My Flesh', 'Long Island Cannibal Massacre', and 'Vermillion Eyes') with his 8mm camera and a handful of buddies with the intention of not actually releasing them, but just screening them in his backyard. Also, I read that he recorded the films on VHS by filming the sheet that he was projecting the film on and then used those VHS tapes to give to his friends. I don't know about you, but I'm impressed. In 'They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore', a pair of hillbilly gardeners get tired of their jobs and tired of the bourgeois types they work for and decide to go a rapin' and a murderin' all over town. Not only do they rape and murder, but they go nuts dismembering and defiling the corpses after they're done with them. The effects are atrocious and the acting is even worse, but there is something endearing about this movie that I can't help loving. The whole movie is basically like this:

424. Lemora - A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (1973)

November 17, 2014

After breaking out of prison, a hardened criminal unwittingly flees into the cold, dead hands of a bunch of vampires. Taking advantage of the situation, the lead vampire, Lemora, sends a letter to the criminal's daughter, Lila Lee, the beloved young girl with the singing voice of an angel. The letter explains that her father is gravely ill and he is sorry for all the wrongs he has done and would like to see her before it is too late, and that if she wishes to see him before he dies she should come visit him. Lila desperately tries to get to her father, but Lemora has other plans for her which are never fully revealed. When Lila discovers the truth about Lemora and the other strange inhabitants of the town, she tries to escape but is unsuccessful. She finds her father has begun turning into one of the monstrous vampire creatures and is forced to kill him. Lemora offers her comfort and turns her into one of them. It was a strange movie that didn't always make a whole lot of sense, but was still very interesting. I would recommend it to fans of 'Valerie and Her Week of Wonders', although I still prefer Valerie.

423. Vampyros Lesbos (1971)

November 16, 2014

Jess Franco made hundreds of films over his career, and 'Vampyros Lesbos' is one of the more well-known of those films. As the title suggests, it does involve vampires and lesbians. After witnessing a stage play of a woman seducing another woman who was made up like a mannequin, a woman in the crowd named Linda becomes seemingly obsessed with having her own similar experience and finds herself drawn to a secluded island owned by a mysterious countess. The two women have an affair and then part, but Linda remains drawn to the countess. A doctor tries to have the countess turn him into a vampire, and another woman has some sort of psychic link to the countess. The rest of the movie is made up of occasionally naked ladies walking into rooms and looking around. There wasn't much to it, but the psychedelic score was pretty cool and let's face it, if you watch a movie called 'Vampyros Lesbos', you know why you're watching it.

422. Simon Says (2006)

November 16, 2014

I never thought 'Simon Says' looked good, but I'll give anything with Crispin Glover a chance. That said, 'Simon Says' was not good, and I thought Glover was pretty funny in it. Glover played twins, Simon and Stanley, and spent most of the movie either killing teenagers or pretending he didn't know who was killing the teenagers. A group of stupid kids went camping in the woods, where they smoked pot, slept around, and made the ultimate sacrifice when a lunatic started hacking them to pieces. There were some inventive kills that were weakened by some lame CGI, like the traps Simon/Stanley set in the woods that involved countless pickaxes flying from every direction or when the stoner kid was forced to smoke the world's largest joint and then was burned alive. All in all it was a dumb movie that was easily forgettable.

421. American Movie (1999) / Coven (2000)

November 16, 2014

'American Movie' was inspiring and really sad at the same time. It was a documentary about Mark Borchardt, an aspiring film-maker with big dreams, but no budget. He desperately wanted to make a short film called 'Coven' that he could sell to be able to finance the feature film he had been wanting to make for years. With the help of his weird, slacker friends, and a modest budget from his clueless uncle, he set out to make a movie, and somehow pulled it off. He made the 40 minute 'Coven' (released as a special feature on the DVD I borrowed from my friend Sheila) which was surprisingly good considering what they were working with. Unfortunately, he still hasn't made his feature film. Hopefully someday he will get the chance, because if nothing else, the guy has a vision.

420. Heated Vengeance (1985)

November 16, 2014

'Heated Vengeance' was a pretty decent movie about Lt. Hoffman (Richard Hatch), a soldier who was taken back to America after being wounded in the Vietnam war, but returned to reunite with the woman he had loved and to finally meet their son. Upon his arrival, however, he was kidnapped by a disgraced soldier who had been dishonorably discharged by the lieutenant for raping a woman. The soldier and a small army of miscreants had turned their old barracks into a drug making facility and were involved in all kinds of illegal activity in the area. They brought Hoffman back to their camp and tried to humiliate him, but Hoffman was smarter and better than all of them, and managed to fight his way out of their camp to get back to his family. It wasn't a particularly inspired plot, but it was a well made and well acted movie that I enjoyed watching.

419. Curse of Chucky (2013)

November 15, 2014

You know how sometimes a movie can seem pretty good when you first watch it and then when you revisit it a year later you realize it wasn't good at all? That was 'Curse of Chucky'. Upon it's release I actually praised it for not being 'Seed of Chucky'. We're still fortunate that it wasn't 'Seed of Chucky', but I realize now that that doesn't make it a good movie. Anyway, Brad Dourif's real-life daughter, Fiona, plays Nica, a wheelchair bound young lady who lives with her mom in a big house. When a package shows up with a Good Guys doll inside (and nobody seems to remember the sordid history of those dolls even though they're inextricably linked to the original story), bad things start happening. A priest gets food poisoning and dies in a car wreck, a bunch of people get stabbed, and all sorts of other awful things happen before they realize Chucky is the one behind the killings and they try to take him out. In a stupid twist we see that Jennifer Tilly is the person who is mailing the package to people around the world so Chucky can get revenge. Don Mancini wrote the original 'Child's Play', and he deserves serious recognition for such an awesome movie, but he should not be directing. Since his only directing credits are for 'Seed of Chucky' and 'Curse of Chucky', and he is in talks for making a seventh Chucky film as well as a possible Freddy Vs. Chucky film, my only hope is someone else will take charge of those projects and he can stay on the sidelines. Only time will tell, but I'd be willing to bet that if he directs them, they'll be terrible.

418. The 'Burbs (1989)

November 15, 2014

No matter how many times I watch 'The 'Burbs', it never fails to make me laugh harder than any other movie can. This is easily one of my favorite movies of all time. I was fortunate enough to get the chance to show it to a friend of mine who had never seen it before tonight, and that was fun. If you're unfamiliar, Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, and Rick Ducommun are three regular guys who live in a regular neighborhood in the suburbs and feel the safety and security of their neighborhood threatened when a new and bizarre family, The Klopeks, move in next door, which simultaneously corresponds with the disappearance of the old man at the end of the street. The guys create a plot to uncover the sinister truth of what happened to the old man and break into the Klopeks' home when they're away, but with catastrophic consequences. I absolutely love this movie and recommend it to everyone.

417. Alice Goodbody (aka Gosh) (1974)

November 15, 2014

I honestly liked this movie a lot more than I thought I would. A naive, young waitress, Alice Goodbody, gets discovered by the production manager of a musical about Julius Caesar, and offered a small part in the film. Goodbody proves to be extremely accident prone though, and as soon as filming starts, she immediately gets injured. Once she recovers, the production manager tells her he actually got her a better part but she has to sleep with one of the higher ups to make it happen. She does it and then goes back to set and gets injured again. The same scenario happens two or three more times but strangely never feels redundant or boring. It was a fun, lighthearted comedy with a fair share of sex thrown in (it was the 70's, after all). I must've just been in the right mood for it, because I really enjoyed it. I couldn't find a trailer online, so here is a short clip from YouTube:

416. Stretch (2014)

November 14, 2014

'Stretch' was OK. Not great, but definitely watchable. Patrick Wilson plays a limo driver (nicknamed Stretch) who came out to Hollywood to be an actor and ended up stuck in a job he hates with crippling gambling debts. One day his debtor approached him with a warning that if he didn't pay up by midnight he would be toast. Then he ended up getting caught in a crazy web of debauchery with one of his passengers (Chris Pine), an eccentric and apparently super-rich weirdo who promised to pay off his gambling debts if he could get him where he needed to be on time. What followed was a downward spiral of even worse luck for Stretch when he got fired, his limo was reported stolen (and then actually stolen) and then destroyed and towed. With the cops and debt collectors on his tail, Stretch did everything in his power to get where he needed to be on time. Imagine 'Falling Down' on the set of 'Premium Rush' and that is basically this movie. With great performances all around but kind of a weak plot, 'Stretch' is a movie that I would suggest watching once (primarily because Chris Pine was awesome in it) and then forgetting about it.

415. The Soultangler (1987)

November 14, 2014

Here it is, the second release from Bleeding Skull and Mondo on VHS, 'The Soultangler'! Once again, before you go any further, go read the Bleeding Skull review here, then go buy the movie here, then come back... A mad scientist, Dr. Anton Lupesky, has painstakingly created a serum with the ability to transfer the soul out of a living person through the eyes and into any nearby dead body (provided it still has eyes). He has two servants, an obsequious woman and a bumbling, drug-addicted, strong man. Since he requires a bunch of bodies for his work (and he prefers young women) his servants go out nightly to procure nubile young ladies for him. Meanwhile, a young reporter who smokes a lot decides to look into the case of all the missing girls and almost gets herself killed in the process. I think 'Cards of Death' was a better movie, but I still enjoyed 'The Soultangler' and I would recommend it to fans of this kind of thing. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.

414. Top Secret! (1984)

November 13, 2014

Back when Val Kilmer still made awesome movies, he made this hilarious spoof on spy movies about a rock and roll singer who unwittingly gets involved in a plot by the French to rescue a brilliant scientist from the Germans. Kilmer plays Nick Rivers, a 50's/60's style singer with a bunch of songs about skeet shooting. He gets hired to play an East German festival and accidentally meets and falls in love with a French woman who is part of a resistance against the German army. Together they team up with her old boyfriend and current leader of the resistance as well as a ragtag army of soldiers with names like Deja Vu, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, Chocolate Mousse, Avant Garde, Chevalier, Du Quois, Detente, and Montage. After being temporarily incarcerated and meeting a brilliant scientist (Michael Gough) behind bars, Rivers goes back to the group and finds out the scientist was his girlfriend's grandfather, so they form a plot to break back in and rescue him. This movie is hilarious, and if you enjoy films like 'Airplane', 'Mafia', 'Hot Shots', or 'Naked Gun', you will love it.

413. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

November 11, 2014

Overwhelming, breathtaking, exhausting, mesmerizing, and beautiful, 'Birdman' is a true masterpiece of modern cinema. Michael Keaton is phenomenal as Riggan Thomson, a washed up actor trying to regain his relevance in today's society by staging a Broadway play. As he got further into the production of the play, he realized it was echoing his own life more and more and his bruised ego and superhero alter-ego fought to find his place in the spotlight while his life went down in flames. Boasting an impressive supporting cast including Edward Norton, Emma Stone, Naomi Watts, and Zach Galifianakis, as well as taking place as (mostly) one continuous shot, with truly impressive direction from Alejandro González Iñárritu, 'Birdman' is a spectacular film that I can't wait to watch again.

412. Madman (1982)

November 11, 2014

I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I'm probably in a small minority of people who believe there aren't enough 80's slasher films that take place at camp. Of all the ones that are out there, though, 'Madman' is one of my favorites. At a campfire, the head counselor tells a scary story about the legend of a local lunatic named Madman Marz who hacked up his family with an axe and then escaped his own hanging and now kills anyone he finds walking in his woods who dares to speak his name above a whisper. One of the teens at the campfire called out to Marz to prove he wasn't scared, which began a night of terror for the camp counselors who started getting picked off one by one. I think this movie is fantastic, and if you're a fan of 80's slasher movies, you probably will too.

411. Leonard Part 6 (1987)

November 11, 2014

Sometimes you're just in the mood to watch 'Leonard Part 6'. I had the day off work and I was home alone. I was excited to watch the grossest horror movies that my wife doesn't want to watch with me. I had a few picked out and ready to go. Then I saw that Bill Cosby had asked the people of Twitter to "meme" him, which brought up rape allegations and all kinds of other demons from his past. Most importantly it made me want to watch 'Leonard Part 6'. I started thinking maybe something was wrong with me when I popped in the DVD and laughed along with the trailers for 'Are We There Yet?' and 'Daddy Day Care'. Nobody should laugh with those movies. I was in a good mood though, so I let The Cos take me to his crazy world where he, Leonard Parker, was a retired secret agent - the best the world had ever known - who quit the game after his wife found him lying naked with a 19 year old girl and left him. The world was in danger yet again, however, and the government needed Leonard's talents to defeat an evil vegetarian and her vegetarian army who were plotting to turn the world's animals into killing machines and take over the planet. With the help of his butler and a trusted gypsy who spoke only gibberish, Leonard came out of retirement to save the world and prove his love to his wife. Sure, it is silly, but when the mood hits you, 'Leonard Part 6' is awesome.