March 2014 Recap

March was a busy month for me. I fell a bit behind schedule and was only able to watch 33 movies. Hopefully I'll be able to get back into the swing of things for the rest of the year... Here's my top 5 and bottom 5 for March, 2014:

My top 5 (in no particular order):
1. The Grand Budapest Hotel
2. All About Evil
3. Grand Piano
4. Not Suitable for Children
5. Surf II
Runner Up: The Naked Man

The bottom 5 (in no particular order)
1. Klown
2. The Ice Harvest
3. Gore-Met, Zombie Chef From Hell
4. 300 Rise of an Empire
5. Angel In Red
Runner Up: The Grifters

160. The Food of the Gods (1976)

March 31, 2014

The Food of the Gods is one of the ultimate campy movies. When a couple farmers stumble upon a fountain of ooze on their property, they think it is a gift from god and start mixing it with their chicken feed for no good reason. Turns out the stuff acts as the greatest growth hormone ever and the baby chickens quickly grow up to be as big or bigger than adult humans. The chickens aren't the only ones who eat the stuff, though, and rats and wasps and other nasty creatures end up gigantic and bloodthirsty as well. A few people get eaten by the rats and it becomes up to the star of some football team, some kind of scientist, and a man and his pregnant wife to put an end to the madness. I'd say it is worth a watch, just to say you've seen it.

159. Laserblast (1978)

March 31, 2014

Laserblast was kind of cool, but not by any means a good movie. I have no idea how old the characters were supposed to be, since the main guy looked like he was 30 but still lived with his mom and didn't seem like he had any kind of job. The plot was mostly pointless and a little too convenient. The guy went to visit his girlfriend and when her crazy grandpa sent him away, he drove into the desert and stopped his car right next to where aliens had just killed a guy and left the laser gun they were after. He picked up the gun and with the help of some kind of charm necklace he started shooting everything in sight. The problem was, the longer he wore the necklace, the more he turned into some kind of evil alien creature. With the aliens and the law closing in on him, he recklessly destroys cars and mailboxes and kills a few people along the way. There wasn't much point to it all but it was at least entertaining enough to watch. Also enjoyable to see Roddy McDowall in a short cameo as a doctor. Watch it if you are in the mood for a real campy alien flick from the 70s.

158. Dolemite (1975)

March 30, 2014

If you haven't seen Dolemite, what's wrong with you? The incomparable Rudy Ray Moore stars as Dolemite, the smooth talking, karate chopping, ladies' man who was wrongly arrested and sent to jail by crooked cops. With some help from Queen Bee the warden of the jail sides with Dolemite and let's him go free with the condition that he is to help stop the corruption in the police department. When he gets out everything is different, including his club, The Total Experience, which has been taken over by Dolemite's enemy, Willie Green. Dolemite has to take out the trash, from the crooked cops who keep trying to take him out to the pimps and hustlers who want to cut in on Dolemite's action. With plenty of sex, fighting, sex, revenge, and more sex, Dolemite is awesome. I highly recommend it.

157. 300 Rise of an Empire (2014)

March 28, 2014

300 Rise of an Empire was one of the most unnecessary sequels of all time. On top of that, it was an absolutely terrible movie. The plot is pretty straight forward, the Greeks and the Persians are still fighting, and the whole movie consists of several battles between the two. What makes it awful is the abysmal CGI (the blood looked like animated barbecue sauce), the cheesy acting (which was to be expected), and most of all - the main 'villain' of the movie (played by Eva Green) was shown as a child witnessing her parents murdered in front of her and then being kept as a sex slave to be raped and beaten repeatedly until she was finally left to die. She didn't die, and with her skills in combat she was able to rise up to command the Persian army with the goal of getting revenge against the Greeks. Knowing that back story, you are still supposed to want her to lose. I couldn't get past that, so for the entire movie I just hoped she would win, knowing full well that she wouldn't, and then I still left disappointed. Oh, and every time there was a battle, people would just take their helmets off for no reason. I understand that you need to be able to point out who your main characters are so the audience will know who to pay attention to, but it is really irritating to see someone take their helmet off during a battle. If it is that big of a deal, just don't have them wear helmets in the first place. Oh well, it was a stupid movie and one that I would recommend to avoid if possible.

156. Grand Piano (2014)

March 27, 2014

Grand Piano was great! It was basically Speed or Phone Booth for intellectuals. Elijah Wood plays a world renowned concert pianist giving his first performance after a mistake on stage led him to take a 5 year hiatus. During the concert he finds that someone has written on his sheet music in bold red ink that if he stops playing or if he plays a wrong note he will die. Shaken, but not entirely convinced it isn't a joke, he continues playing, but on the next page it keeps going and as the pages go on the writing gets more sadistic and someone in the audience has trained a red dot sight on him. When Wood gets to a break he goes to his changing room and finds an earpiece and puts it on. John Cusack's voice then announces himself as the killer and tells him to keep playing or Wood's wife will be killed. This goes on for the rest of the movie, but it never gets boring or monotonous. I would definitely recommend it for an interesting and fun thriller.

155. The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

March 25, 2014

I think I'd have to say The Darjeeling Ltd. is my least favorite Wes Anderson film. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it, and I'm fine with watching it whenever, but I don't think it really compares with his other work. It tells the story of three brothers (Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and Jason Schwartzman) who meet up on a train going across India. Arranged by Wilson as a sort of 'spiritual journey' and a chance to rekindle their relationship that was severely strained after the death of their father, the trip was secretly Wilson's attempt to find their mother (Anjelica Huston) and, with the help of his brothers, bring her back home. The brothers spent most of their time arguing and picking on each other, but in the end they realized how much they needed to be together again. The movie has a lot of interesting situations and funny moments, but it drags a little bit and I can't help but compare it to Anderson's other films, which I like better. Worth the watch if you're a fan of his movies (but then you've probably already seen it).

154. How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989)

March 24, 2014

How To Get Ahead In Advertising is one of my favorite movies of all time. I strongly recommend it to everyone. It is pretty strange, but I guess that is what makes it so great. Starring Richard E. Grant (who happens to be one of my favorite actors), and directed by Bruce Robinson (Withnail & I), How to Get Ahead in Advertising is about Dennis Bagley (Grant), an advertising executive who is absolutely brilliant at what he does. He panics, however, when he is tasked with coming up with an advertisement for a pimple cream. He gets so worked up about it that he starts growing a boil on his own neck. That is as much as I'm going to go into the plot here, because I really want more people to watch the movie and see just how great it is. You have to give it your full attention though, because it takes a few minutes to really get moving, and the pacing is definitely nothing like the average film, but it is totally worth it.

153. The Dungeonmaster (aka Ragewar) (1984)

March 21, 2014

This movie made absolutely no sense. Some kind of computer genius designed a super computer that his girlfriend was jealous of, and then the computer (or Satan, or something...) pulled them into some kind of netherworld where the girlfriend was held hostage while the devil (Richard Moll) put the computer guy through seven stupid tests and gave him a tool to beat the tests without really trying. There were some fun 80s effects and creatures made by John Carl Buechler, accompanied by very sub-par acting, all under the direction of some of the cheesiest, campiest, cult film directors of the generation (including Buechler, Charles Band, and Ted Nicolaou). The guy beat the tests (sort of) and then the devil threw another test at him and took away his super glove. He still won, and he and his girlfriend were able to escape and get back home. It was an absolutely unnecessary movie that was barely entertaining enough to keep me interested during its 73 minute run time.

152. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

March 20, 2014

I'm a huge fan of Wes Anderson movies, but I hate Wes Anderson fans. I don't know if that makes me a hypocrite or what, but I at least know I didn't enjoy seeing this movie on opening night (2 weeks after the more privileged theaters got to see it first). Don't get me wrong, I actually really enjoyed The Grand Budapest Hotel, I just couldn't stand the awful people sitting around me. Every single time anything happened (or didn't happen) during the film, smug laughter oozed throughout the theater. To know if you have what it takes to be a Wes Anderson fan on opening night, try making these sounds from the back of your throat: Hmmph..mmhmmmph......huhhh....mph... (repeat several times over the next few minutes - if you feel a surge of superiority and suddenly think you 'get' things that other people just don't, you're ready).
There are more important things to discuss, however. For starters, if you haven't seen the trailer for this movie, please avoid it. If you have already seen the trailer, do your best to try to forget it. The trailer is entirely misleading, in that it seems to tell a completely different story than the actual movie tells. You should also know that this is unquestionably Anderson's darkest film to date, with murders and war and a fair amount of blood. It does come with many of Anderson's trademark quirks, but was notably devoid of some of his most salient characteristics. For instance, the main characters were not Americans, and the film primarily only focused on two characters. Most importantly, it didn't have a slow-motion ending, which is what I love about several of his other movies.There were others that seemed significant at the time, but I should probably start writing about what the film was actually about. The film began with an older man named Zero (F. Murray Abraham) telling his life story to Jude Law. He told him about how when he was younger he was a hotel lobby boy at the Grand Budapest Hotel, under the supervision of Gustave H (Ralph Fiennes), an extremely well-respected concierge. Zero became Gustave's protege, learning everything he could from him. When one of the hotel's more cherished guests passed away, Gustave and Zero traveled a long way to attend the memorial, only to find that she had bequeathed to Gustave a priceless painting known as 'Boy With Apple' that her son (Adrien Brody) and his wicked, murderous henchman (Willem Dafoe) would stop at nothing to get back. It was discovered that the woman had been murdered, and the police (led by Edward Norton) were quick to arrest Gustave and send him to prison for killing her. After a daring prison escape, Gustave and Zero set out to clear Gustave's name and stop Brody and Dafoe from stealing the painting back and killing any more innocent people. Although the Grand Budapest Hotel is obviously not a film for everyone (which is probably why it was initially given a limited release), I absolutely recommend it, but if you catch yourself laughing smugly at nothing, don't say I didn't warn you.

151. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

March 19, 2014

The Royal Tenenbaums was the first Wes Anderson movie I ever watched. My family rented it right when it came out on video, and we all watched it together and I think it was one of the most uncomfortable movie-watching experiences I've ever had. I can't say I really enjoyed the movie at first, but that was mostly because everyone around me seemed to despise it. After giving it another chance (and many more since), it has become one of my favorite of Anderson's movies. This time around, I got to see it in theaters with my wife and my friends Patrick and Austin, and since we're all already fans it was a much more pleasant experience. The film follows the Tenenbaum family - Royal (Gene Hackman), his wife Etheline (Anjelica Huston), their sons Chas (Ben Stiller) and Richie (Luke Wilson), and their adopted daughter Margot (Gwyneth Paltrow) - an eccentric and dysfunctional family of highly intelligent and talented individuals. As kids, the Tenenbaum children were considered brilliant and all very gifted, but as they grew up (and without a very stable family life) they each deteriorated and became weird, depressed adults. Through random, unconnected events, the kids all came back home to live with Etheline. Royal, who hadn't spent much time with his family, decided one day that he wanted to be part of their lives again, and faked a terminal illness to get his family to accept him. All sorts of strange situations popped up during their unconventional reunion, culminating in the marriage of Etheline to her longtime accountant, Mr. Sherman (Danny Glover). With a fantastic soundtrack and a very unique vision, The Royal Tenenbaums is one that is worth watching more than once for all the intricate details you may have missed the first time around (including a framed drawing of underwear on Eli Cash's (Owen Wilson) wall).

150. Vigilante (1983)

March 18, 2014

Vigilante seemed like a cross between The A-Team and Kick-Ass on the set of Death Wish. In other words, it was awesome. Fred Williamson starred as the leader of a group of vigilante justice-seekers trying to get the streets safe again from the vicious thugs and gangs that far outnumbered the police. A friend of Williamson's, Robert Forster, didn't really agree with their form of vigilante justice and trusted the law to keep people safe. That is, until his wife was assaulted and their child was murdered. The police caught one of the guys who did it and the judge sentenced him to a 2 year probation period. Unable to control his anger in the court, the judge sentenced Forster to 30 days in jail for contempt. While in jail his rage built until he realized what he had to do. As soon as he got out, he found Williamson, and together they went after the gang, making them pay for what they did. I'm a sucker for revenge movies, and this is one of the better ones, so I highly recommend it. I'm also a fan of William Lustig movies, and this is probably his best.

149. Q The Winged Serpent (1982)

March 18, 2014

Though it may lack the technical prowess of the modern monster movies we are used to seeing, Q The Winged Serpent seems a lot more ingenuitive. Through some bizarre human sacrifices, a medical student summons an ancient mythological creature named Quetzalcoatl that builds a nest in the top of the Chrysler building in New York and starts killing people in horrific ways. Meanwhile, small time crook Michael Moriarty gets reluctantly roped into a job as a driver during a jewelry store robbery. The other thieves force Moriarty to take a gun and rob the store with them, and they take their getaway driver's keys (yeah, that makes sense). The heist goes bad and when Moriarty gets outside with the jewels but he can't get in the locked car, he runs and gets hit by a cab. He loses the loot and keeps running, until he finds the nest in the tower. His partners in crime want their stuff, so they come after him and he takes them to the nest where he says he stored the stuff, only for them to be killed by the creature. Moriarty realizes he is sitting on a gold mine of knowledge when the cops can't catch a break in the case of the killings. Asking for a pardon for all past, present, and future crimes he commits, as well as a million bucks, and rights to all the pictures of the creature, Moriarty tells the police where to find the nest. I can't help but love this movie. I also can't really think of a Larry Cohen movie that I don't love. It isn't for everyone, just the smart ones.

148. Pacific Rim (2013)

March 15, 2014

We visited some family this weekend and didn't have as many opportunities as usual to watch movies, but we did get one opportunity to show Pacific Rim to our 11 year old nephew, Henry, and I can't think of a cooler movie to show any 11 year old. As far as special effects go, this one is pretty great (although I remembered it looking better in theaters). I'll never be an advocate for CGI, but a movie about giant robots fighting giant underwater dinosaur clones will win me over any time. That is pretty much the plot of it right there. In the near future, dinosaurs (or aliens, whichever you prefer - I think the movie referenced both) known as Kaiju come out of the ocean and start laying waste to entire cities. The humans build massive robots called Jaegers (modern day Power Ranger type robots) that have the kind of firepower necessary to take down the Kaiju. The Jaegers are each manned by at least two people, who have to be 'drift compatible' - meaning they have to have similar skills and feelings and then through some scientific mumbo jumbo they get connected mentally to be able to work together to fight. The Kaiju keep getting stronger and smarter and the Jaegers have to keep up to survive. With such a hilariously silly plot that sounds like something from the 80s, a movie like this just shouldn't work today, but under the excellent direction of Guillermo del Toro it absolutely works, and hopefully we will see a sequel soon.

147. Werewolves on Wheels (1971)

March 13, 2014

This is my first review by request - requested by my brother-in-law, Heath. Heath, I don't know if you've already seen this movie or not, but I think you'd probably like it. I thought it was pretty awesome! When a tough gang of bikers called The Devil's Advocates, who spent their time going around stirring up trouble, found themselves at a gathering spot for a satanic cult, things started to get weird. The cult fed them wine and bread which put them all to sleep, then they lured the leader's girlfriend into their church and did a ritual which involved her dancing around naked for Satan. When the bikers woke up and saw what was going on they started beating up the cult members (who didn't put up any kind of fight, but marked the faces of the bikers with some kind of ink). The bikers took off, but over the next few days some people in their gang started dying in brutal ways. Eventually, they figured out that some of the gang were turning into werewolves at night, and after a big battle among themselves, they headed back to the cult to try to end their curse. It was actually pretty cool, and the last 5-10 minutes were really intense and really funny. Definitely worth watching.

146. Klown (2010)

March 11, 2014

Despite despising almost everything about this movie, I couldn't help but watch the whole thing. I felt uncomfortably mesmerized by the perverse filth filling my screen. Looking back on it, I honestly wish I would have turned it off long before it ended. When a man found out his girlfriend was pregnant (but she didn't tell him because she wasn't sure he was fit to be a father) he set out to prove to her that he was worthy of having a child. Meanwhile, his best friend had a vacation planned for the two of them to go canoeing and visit a brothel to cheat on their partners. Not wanting to change their plans, the father-to-be kidnapped his nephew and the three of them took off for their trip. With all sorts of disgusting and disturbing events taking place, including attempted rape, child molestation, and a number of other revolting situations, Klown solidly earned its place on my worst movies of the month list, and will surely be one of the worst movies I watch this year. Even from a technical standpoint, the shaky camerawork just added another layer of nausea. Please avoid this movie.

145. Mr. Angel (2013)

March 11, 2014

For a random pick on Netflix, Mr. Angel was a fairly decent choice. It was a documentary that made some interesting points and shed light on a subject most people are probably uncomfortable with. Buck Angel is a transgender porn-star. He was born a female, and with the use of testosterone supplements and a mastectomy, she became a he. He never underwent 'bottom surgery', however, and he still has female genitalia. It seemed like the shock and awe of the situation (as well as his rocky background involving a lot of drugs) made up the first half of the movie. The second half dealt more with his advocacy work. After winning the Adult Video award for Transsexual Performer of the Year, Buck went on to talk at schools in support of sex education and acceptance. It was actually pretty informative, and while I know a lot of people are probably uncomfortable with this type of subject matter, I still recommend it and I recommend that those people get over their awkward feelings and just understand and accept that not everyone has the same thoughts or feelings as they do.

144. The Monuments Men (2014)

March 11, 2014

I liked The Monuments Men more than I thought I would. I did fall asleep during the first few minutes, but not because the movie was bad, it just started slow and I was tired. Once it got going, however, I was wide awake and very much interested in what was going on. The plot was a little far-fetched, even though it was based on a true story. A group of soldiers during World War II formed a team to recover and return all of the art stolen by the Nazis, which included thousands of the most famous paintings and sculptures ever made. I think the only way it would have been more believable would have been if Indiana Jones himself was leading the team. As it was, the team was made up of some really excellent actors, including Bill Murray, John Goodman, Bob Balaban, George Clooney, and Matt Damon. Don't expect a lot of non-stop action or explosions or anything like that. It wasn't that kind of movie. It primarily focused on the importance of art in human history, and the people who were passionate enough to fight and die for it.

143. The Shining (1980)

March 10, 2014

There isn't really anything to say about The Shining that hasn't already been said. It is a classic among suspenseful horror movies (and movies in general, for that matter). Based on the Stephen King novel, The Shining is a brilliantly crafted thriller with unforgettable performances by Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall. When Jack Torrance (Nicholson) takes a job as a caretaker for the Overlook Hotel during the winter season when the hotel is closed, he thinks it will be the perfect opportunity to finish the book he has been writing. His wife, Wendy (Duvall), and their young son, Danny, also come along to live at the hotel for the next several months. As time goes on, the silence and isolation seem to take their toll on Jack, and he slips further and further into madness, to the point where he tries to murder his whole family. Oh, and the hotel is haunted, and Danny has some telekinetic powers (referred to as The Shine). The ending leaves some unanswered questions, but the film remains one of the greatest horror films of all time. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and... never mind. If you're reading this, you've seen The Shining.

142. Almost Human (2013)

March 9, 2014

For a really low budget sci-fi horror film, Almost Human was really good. Some of the acting was a little questionable, but the effects were not bad and the story was good enough to keep me interested. When a man, Seth, shows up at his friend Mark's house freaking out about some kind of extraterrestrial beam that shot down and vanished the friend who was with him, Mark gets his gun and tries to go investigate, only to be beamed up as well. Two years later, Mark appears from out of nowhere and starts killing people and then reanimating their bodies by putting some kind of alien life form in them. The one complaint I have with this movie (and it isn't much), was that the aliens had this piercing scream that humans just couldn't handle, and instead of using that to stop humans from killing them, some of the aliens just fought the humans with regular weapons. I just know if I was an alien bent on taking over the human race and I had some kind of screaming power that rendered humans useless, I'd take advantage of it. Nevertheless, Almost Human was pretty entertaining, and well worth the watch.

141. Lightning Jack (1994)

March 8, 2014

I've always liked Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee), and I think Cuba Gooding, Jr. is better than most of the roles he gets, so it is no surprise that I really enjoy the movie Lightning Jack. I first saw it when I was a kid, but I really couldn't remember most of what happened in it. Hogan starred as Lightning Jack, a lightning fast, gun-slinging outlaw, who just wanted to be infamous, on the run after his partners were killed when a bank robbery went bad. Gooding also starred as Ben Doyle, a mute young man who wanted more out of life than being looked down on by everyone around him. When Jack robbed a bank and took Doyle hostage, Doyle took it as an opportunity to join Jack's gang. He proved himself worthy by saving Jack's life several times, so Jack took him under his wing. Unable to handle the stress of robbing banks, Doyle botched a few jobs, and Jack landed in jail. Doyle eventually got him out, and then they set out to do the perfect crime. It really is a fun movie, with a lot of silly humor. I definitely recommend it for an enjoyable, light-hearted movie.

140. The Naked Man (1998)

March 7, 2014

The Naked Man was a pretty good movie. It could have been great, but it needed a little help. Most of the time while my wife and I were watching it and we were totally immersed in what was going on and then there were a few minutes when absolutely nothing was going on and we could have cared less. Michael Rapaport starred as a chiropractor moonlighting as a wrestler called The Naked Man. His pregnant wife wanted him to give up his wrestling career for a quieter, family life, so he did and they moved back to his hometown to start his own chiropractic business across the street from his parents' drug store. A couple bizarre thugs (Michael Jeter and John Carroll Lynch) came into his parents' shop, with a goal to buy up all the small town drug stores to use as a front to push their own illegal drugs, when Rapaport wasn't there. They killed his parents and almost killed his wife. Seeing his family dead (and under the impression that his wife and baby were dead too), Rapaport went off the deep end. He put on his Naked Man wrestling outfit and started killing people while preaching spinal safety, culminating in a pretty epic showdown with Jeter and Lynch. I would recommend this movie, but keep in mind there will be parts when you'll be so bored that you'll forget why you're watching it. Just try to stick it out to the end, I think it's worth it.

139. All About Evil (2010)

March 6, 2014

I actually really enjoyed this movie. A friend of mine told me it wasn't very good, so I didn't have high expectations going into it, but I thought it was pretty fun. It was about a girl, Debbie (Natasha Lyonne), who took over an old theater after her father passed away. Her mother, a truly awful person, decided they were going to sell the theater. When Debbie wouldn't sign the paperwork to sell the theater, her mother got mean and started belittling her until she finally snapped. With the security cameras filming everything, Debbie stabbed her mother to death with a pen. The projectionist was not in the booth at the time and the audience was getting anxious for the film to start, so Debbie ran up to turn on the film and accidentally played the security camera footage for the audience. Everyone loved the realism of Debbie's film, and told her to make more. Struck by her new-found fame, Debbie went full-on homicidal maniac crazy and started killing lots of people to make her movies. She even recruited some local psychos to help facilitate her crimes. She became an overnight celebrity and was easily getting away with murder until one of her fans noticed his friend missing and figured out what was going on. Definitely worth watching for the copious amount of movie references in every scene, as well as for the tongue in cheek satire on what some people will do to be a star.

138. Demon Seed (1977)

March 6, 2014

Based on the Dean Koontz novel of the same name, Demon Seed was a pretty cool movie. It had some really intense special effects which today would have all been done with CGI. A group of scientists created a super-computer called Proteus (voiced by Robert Vaughn). One of the creators of Proteus sets it up in his house, and it begins to develop an unnatural obsession with his wife (Julie Christie). When the husband is away, Proteus takes total control of the house and eventually impregnates the poor woman, leaving her to give birth to some kind of human/android hybrid creature. The scientists shut down and destroy Proteus, but it becomes evident that it is too late, and his 'demon seed' has already been spawned. This movie really worked as a suspenseful horror, but it could also work pretty well as a pro-choice video for anyone considering an abortion, complete with a man attempting to stop the woman from trying to get rid of the evil computer rape baby, even though she was the one who was tortured and forced to go through all the horrors of being molested by a machine and subsequently giving birth.

137. Gore-Met, Zombie Chef From Hell (1986)

March 6, 2014

This movie was so horrible. It scored points for having an awesome title, but that was it. Gore-Met, Zombie Chef From Hell had no budget, absolutely no talent, an incomprehensible plot, and a goofy 80s synthesizer score that drowned out most of the stupid lines the terrible actors tried to get out. As best as I could tell, it was about a member of an immortal brotherhood who tried to kill their high priestess to gain more power, but when the brotherhood found out they cursed him and forced him to live on human flesh forever. That was in the year 1386. 600 years later, the cursed guy (named Goza), owns a dive bar somewhere and has his assistant (named Lonezor or Blozor or something) kill and cook the patrons (who he then feeds to the other patrons for some reason, with bones and jewelry still intact). A librarian showed up and stole some book from Goza, did some research, then became the high priestess. Meanwhile the brotherhood was talking about and plotting... something. Then Goza hadn't eaten flesh for a while and his skin started peeling off and the high priestess super-glued his mouth shut, then nailed him to the floor so he couldn't reach the severed foot that was just out of his reach (Even though he'd had that foot for a while... I don't know why he didn't just eat it before). One cool thing about this movie was something I'd never seen before (and thanks to the poor lighting, bad camera angles, and rough quality of the video I still haven't really seen it), was when Goza's assistant knocked a guy's head off and drank the blood from his neck like a drinking fountain. Other than that, this movie had absolutely nothing to offer.

Watch the whole stupid movie on youtube for free here:

136. Surf II (1984)

March 5, 2014

Surf II was a pretty awesome sequel to a movie that was never made and a fitting end to the trilogy*. This was another Alamo Drafthouse outing with friends, and I can safely say Surf II is the kind of movie you'll want to watch with friends. It was stupid, irrelevant, and totally hilarious. Eric Stoltz starred as one of two local surfer dudes who thought of nothing but surfing, and when a total nerd named Menlo developed a new soft drink called Buzzz Cola that was made from oil and a bunch of other nasty chemicals that turned whoever consumed them into hideous, brain-dead, mutant zombies, the surfer heroes had to stop the bad guy, save the day, and get the girls. Full of hilariously bad jokes and over-the-top campiness, Surf II was well worth the watch. Especially for the police officer, Chief Boyardie, who was my favorite character.

*Note: for anyone curious, they never made a Surf I or Surf III, yet Surf II was called the end of the trilogy.

You can watch the whole movie on youtube here:

135. The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

March 4, 2014

It may seem a little redundant for me to keep talking about how great Scream Factory is, but they really are fantastic. Released on blu-ray last year, The Abominable Dr. Phibes is part of a 6 film Vincent Price box set. I really hope this is just volume one, as I would love to see Dr. Phibes Rises Again, The Raven, Comedy of Terrors, The Tingler, and many more Price movies included on future sets. Even if they don't release any more, I feel like we are fortunate to have such a lovingly put together collection of some of Price's best films, and The Abominable Dr. Phibes is one of my favorites. I love this movie. From the awesome costumes to the highly imaginative deaths, everything about this movie is cool. Price stars as Dr. Phibes, a talented organist, a brilliant scientist, a man whose face was hideously disfigured in an accident, a man assumed dead from that crash, a man whose wife was killed on an operating table years ago by a team of nine doctors, and a man who vows revenge on those nine doctors by way of a series of ancient biblical plagues. The plagues, including death by bats, rats, locusts, hail, and several other horrifying ways to die, are creatively concocted by Phibes over many years, and he is solicitously aided by his devoted and beautiful assistant, Vulnavia. When several doctors start dying and the authorities discover a pattern in this series of somewhat random but bizarre deaths, all signs lead to Dr. Phibes, who has been presumed dead for several years, but would seem to be the only person with a vested interest in killing off the team of doctors present on the night of his wife's operation and subsequent death. The police are always a few steps behind Dr. Phibes, however, and everything goes almost entirely according to his plan. Also, I can't forget to mention this - Dr. Phibes has his own band of musical marionettes called 'Dr. Phibes' Clockwork Wizards', and he has a table full of wax faces that he melts as part of a ritual after every person he kills. Like I said, this movie is really cool.

134. The Ice Harvest (2005)

March 4, 2014

My wife and I decided to watch The Ice Harvest in remembrance of Harold Ramis, and I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but this movie was terrible. I think the main reason we couldn't stand it was because it was supposedly set in Wichita, Kansas, but it was as if the writer had never been to Kansas and just made Wichita this imaginary place filled with strip clubs, mobsters, and a giant frozen river. Usually I can get over location issues in a movie, but in The Ice Harvest, they kept reminding you that they were in Kansas when they so clearly weren't.  Aside from that, the movie had a few interesting bits, but mostly it was just a con movie that didn't have a whole lot of purpose. John Cusack starred as a lawyer who, with his partner in crime Billy Bob Thornton, stole more than $2 million from the mob and then tried to get out of town. They didn't try very hard, though. Thornton took the money for safe-keeping while Cusack visited several strip clubs (again, this is supposed to be Wichita, KS... how many strip clubs do they think are in Wichita?) and more or less said his good-byes while hiding from the mob. There were some plot twists that weren't in the least bit surprising, and although I would say I was fairly satisfied with the ending, overall I would call this one a dud.

133. Death Spa (1989)

March 4, 2014

I had forgotten how insanely awesome this movie was! As part of the Alamo Drafthouse's new VHS Vortex series, they took a VCR and connected it to a projector and played an actual VHS tape for us. The quality was pretty dingy but it didn't matter. With a group of some of my best friends to share the Death Spa experience with me, we set out on a journey through the outstandingly bad and laughed harder than we have in a long time. In a state of the art health spa where computers run the show, a series of bizarre deaths start occurring, leading the police to suspect the spa's owner, Michael, and the man behind the computer, David. Turns out David is the twin brother of Michael's dead wife, Catherine, and the two of them shared a special twin bond even in the afterlife. With several crazy plot twists, random exploded and mangled body parts, beyond terrible acting (aside from the always endearing Rosalind Cash), gratuitous nudity, and some hilariously homoerotic & bizarre 80s workout scenes, Death Spa has it all. I'm hoping someone will pick it up and put it out on blu-ray, even though watching it on VHS was half the fun. I'm also hoping that the Alamo Drafthouse will continue to provide us with awesome selections like this one.

132. Not Suitable for Children (2012)

March 2, 2014

Not Suitable for Children was the second movie I watched this week with children in the title that involved a weird story about getting pregnant. I'm not sure what Netflix is trying to tell me, but I think they should just mind their own business. On the other hand, it was a pretty good movie, so maybe they have a point. Ryan Kwanten starred as a young guy who loved to party until he found out he had testicular cancer and only a few weeks left of possibly being able to father a child. With that stunning revelation, he set out to get someone pregnant, without much thought of the consequences or even who it was with. After several failed attempts to find a woman to birth his child, he and his best friend decided to try. It didn't work, but in their efforts they became closer than ever and ended up in a meaningful relationship. Recommended if you're in the mood for a fun movie with good performances and a happy ending.

131. Angel In Red (aka Uncaged) (1991)

March 2, 2014

Angel In Red was the other half of the double feature with Streets and, although it told a very similar story, it was nowhere close to being as good as Streets was. A jealous and insane pimp (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) becomes obsessed with Mickie, a young prostitute with a heart of gold. When Morgan kills one of Mickie's friends and Mickie finds out, she tries to get away and Morgan goes on a rampage, killing off all of her friends and anyone who might have known her in his efforts to get to her. It was a fairly predictable movie that didn't have a lot going for it, so I don't really recommend this one.

130. Streets (1990)

March 1, 2014

As part of a double feature DVD put out by Shout Factory, Streets was one of the few remaining titles in the Roger Corman's Cult Classics line that I hadn't seen yet. I was actually pretty impressed by this movie. A young, drug-addicted prostitute named Dawn (Christina Applegate) goes on the run when a sadistic cop tries to kill her. She befriends a young boy named Sy who spends most of his time falling in love with her and trying to protect her. With the cop always hot on their trail, killing a lot of people along his way, and nowhere for them to run, the two kids take a stand and fight back. This wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it was definitely solid and worth watching.

129. Day of the Dead (1985)

March 1, 2014

A friend of mine recently rewatched Day of the Dead and told me he didn't think it held up very well. With that in mind, I decided to watch it and see if he was right. He did have a bit of a point, especially in comparison to Dawn of the Dead which held up just fine, but I still really enjoyed Day of the Dead. I believe this was the first zombie movie to introduce the concept of zombies beginning to re-adapt to society and learn the things they knew when they were alive. When a scientist tries to condition a captured zombie, whom he has affectionately named Bub, the despotic military leader, Rhodes, threatens to shut down the whole operation and destroy all of the zombies. This leads to a pretty chaotic rift among the members of the small group of survivors, pitting the military against the scientists. The military has more guns, and initially has the upper hand, but the scientists have more brains and ultimately come out ahead. Worth seeing for Tom Savini's incomparable zombie effects and makeup, Day of the Dead is in my opinion a fitting chapter in George Romero's ongoing dead series. Also, I should mention that the version I watched was the new Scream Factory blu-ray which looked spectacular as usual.

128. The Grifters (1990)

March 1, 2014

I think author Jim Thompson might have had an issue with violence towards women. While I haven't read a lot of his work, I have read some, and the two movies based on his books that I have seen now (The Killer Inside Me and The Grifters) have an uncomfortable amount of men beating women. It was a central theme in The Killer Inside Me, but it was more-or-less just something that happened in The Grifters. Before I talk about The Grifters, let's just begin by saying if you are considering perpetrating violence towards a woman, please don't. It is never the right thing to do. Ok, about the movie: The Grifters was a movie much longer than it needed to be. It followed a man (John Cusack), his crazy girlfriend (Annette Bening), and his also crazy mother (Anjelica Huston) on their intertwining day-to-day lives as con artists. Despite a few small cons here and there, Cusack primarily wanted to be a good guy and get out of the grifter lifestyle. After a con went bad and he took a baseball bat to the gut and his mother took him to the hospital which saved his life. His mother and girlfriend constantly bickered while they were together and their bickering eventually escalated to the extreme. The movie actually went from a decent, semi-entertaining con movie to an uninteresting argument between crazy people. I will say that the last scene with Huston and Cusack was pretty shocking, and I didn't see it coming. See it if you want, but I don't think it was that good of a movie.